Or: Floyd’s Humanity Is Questioned By Heather.
This is a conversation I had with my friend Heather about, you guessed it, movies. (Apparently I need to change the name of this blog to “Floyd Talks To People About Movies.” Because that has a ring to it. And because it’s the only thing I chat about ever.) This conversation picks up after an exchange of pleasantries and a soliloquy by yours truly on the benefits of eating hot dogs that sounds more interesting than it was.
Floyd: hot dogs are a necessity for enjoying a filmdon’t go see Pelham 123 in the theaters it’s not terrible, but it’s very mediocrethe only reason I even went is because I was really bored and hadn’t hung out with my friends in weeks
Heather: i could tell by previews it was bad
11:08 AM anything that Travolta and Denzel do has to be tired and played out
I’d like to see the new Cameron Diaz movie
11:09 AM Floyd: UGH
I saw a preview of that before Pelham
They should just call it “Cancer: The Movie”
I wanted to punch the girl behind me, who through the whole preview kept saying to her boyfriend, “I can’t WAIT to see that”
it’s about kids with cancer!
why does anybody want to suffer through that vicariously?
11:10 AM Heather: because people want to feel something
it’s touching
Floyd: it’s horrifically sad and destroys families
11:11 AM it’s the first piece of evidence in the case of “God vs. Humanity”
Heather: What are you talking about?
11:12 AM The only reason I wont see it is because it’s too hard to see cancer stuff being in the current situation with my mom.
11:13 AM Floyd: that’s kind of what I mean
why people that AREN’T in that situation would want to experience what it’s like for two hours is beyond me
11:14 AM Heather: you have a different perspective having lived through it
Floyd: exactly
although I don’t want to watch a movie about someone dying of polio
Heather: That’s the way I feel about war movies. Especially like Schlinder’s list
11:15 AM Floyd: unless there’s some point to it other than “aren’t they inspiring” or “isn’t that sad”
Heather: Its about hope
and love
Floyd: but Schindler’s List illuminated an evil perpetrated by humans on other humans for political or sociological reasons
we can learn from that
no matter how much we illuminate cancer, it’s not going to stop
although if this movie causes people to donate more toward cancer organizations, then good for it
11:16 AM and I’ll support it
but I still don’t want to watch it, for the same reasons I don’t go see Saw or Hostel or Tyler Perry movies
I generally am not entertained by others’ misery
Heather: Well, thats OK. Some people might like to see it b/c they identify with the pain, suffering, hope, love, etc
11:17 AM everyone wants to feel like someone understands what they’re going through
that’s why those movies are made
plus, it’s cathartic to cry
Floyd: yeah, I get it
11:18 AM Heather: so stop hating!
Floyd: then why do people who cry do it so often?
Heather: b/c they have emotional issues
Floyd: haha
Heather: people rarely are crying b/c of what just happened
11:19 AM they cry because their high school boyfriend was abusive, or their mother was unemotional and cold, etc.
Floyd: or 9-11
Heather: uh, yeah. Did you just turn into a republican politician? why did you bring that up?
11:20 AM Floyd: it’s a joke – and back off of Giuliani
11:21 AM
I’m not anti-crying, not totally
I understand some people just need a good cry
11:22 AM but some people I’ve met and know and hang out with cry every time somebody says something even remotely rude to them (Ed. Note: Not you, reader. You only cry at the most appropriate times.)
and it gets old
and they need to stop catharting all over the place
like the boy who cries wolf
crying should be like abortion
11:23 AM available and rare and maniacally protested
Heather: i agree. I get so annoyed with drunk criers.
Floyd: right
as in, why do you drink so much when it will inevitably end in tears?
11:24 AM which I guess is the same question I’d ask people who go see movies about kids dying of cancer
Heather: and now it’s come full circle
Floyd: so que sera, sera
Heather: do you know what that means?
Floyd: Whatever will be, will be
11:25 AM people will continue to force themselves to cry, and i will continue to be annoyed by it, and the world will move forward
and Cancer: The Movie will probably make $100 million at the box office
Heather: and Diaz will probably win an Oscar
11:26 AM Floyd: HAHA
NEVER
Heather: i betcha!
Floyd: I will take that bet
$50
11:27 AM Heather: If Diaz ever wins an Ocsar you owe me $50?
Floyd: sure
lifetime bet
Heather: OK
Floyd: and every year she doesn’t, you owe me money
11:28 AM Heather: no!
thats not how it works
Floyd: I’m betting that Diaz does not win an Oscar this year
I’ll bet $50 on that
and then I’ll put up another $50 that she never wins an Oscar
which will be paid upon Cameron Diaz’s death
11:29 AM or until she makes a sequel to “What Happens in Vegas”
Heather: So if she wins an Oscar this year you’ll owe me $100?
Floyd: correct
and if she doesn’t, you owe me $50
and then another $50 when she dies
or when “What Happens in Vegas 2″ comes out
11:30 AM Heather: i’ll think about it
i’m not the betting type
Floyd: what’s there to think about?
are you considering the odds of Diaz winning?
haha
11:31 AM calling your bookie friends, seeing if you can hedge against this wager
Heather: yeah!
it’s just early in the year
If Meryl Streep makes a movie this year I’m screwed
11:32 AM And you can always bet on at least 1 foreign actress in the mix
Floyd: bigot
you’re screwed because you’re betting on Cameron Diaz winning an Oscar
11:33 AM that’s like betting on Ahmadinejad winning the Nobel Peace Prize
Heather: its not that bad!
Floyd: or like betting on me going to see the cancer movie
11:34 AM Heather: if i agree on this bet we both have to see the movie
Floyd: HAHA
ok, I’m in
I’ll still make almost $90 on this
and it’ll give me fodder for my blog
Heather: OK
Floyd: we are digitally shaking hands
Heather: only if you wash them first
11:35 AM Floyd: and I have this transcript as proof of our bet
if you don’t mind, I’ll take my payment when you visit
easier than sending a check later
11:36 AM Heather: the Oscars aren’t until next Feb.!
Floyd: I’m pretty confident about this one
we should make another bet on whether she even gets nominated
Heather: I’m not paying you anything buddy
Floyd: we shook on it
11:37 AM a bet’s a bet
Heather: I’m not paying you b/c youre going to be paying me $100
Floyd: hahaha
if Cameron Diaz wins an Oscar, the money won’t matter, because it means the apocalypse has started and I’ll be raptured straight to heaven
11:38 AM Heather: hahaha!
are you going to make a blog post about this?
11:39 AM Floyd: most likely
3 Comments
June 29, 2009 at 8:28 am
I think you took some editorial freedom with this blog post. But it’s mostly as I remember it. You better start saving your money.
June 29, 2009 at 9:08 am
I added a few lines and cleaned up some of the grammar/spelling, but the changes were all very minor and didn’t alter anything about our bet. I’m already spending the money you’ll owe me.
August 17, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Very, very funny. Diaz won’t be nominated for an Oscar. Not for “My Sister’s Keeper.”