This is a loose transcript from an email exchange I had with Dan after he asked me if he should go see the new Terminator:
Terminator – I don’t know whether to give a recommendation or not. It does have a lot of pretty well-choreographed action. It also has a lot of ridiculous, nonsensical action that leaves you less than terrified of the machines. And the plot makes Michael Bay seem like David Mamet. (Warning: this contains a few vague spoilers, so read at your own risk. It should be noted that the plot is not the strong point of this film, so learning a bit about it shouldn’t lessen any potential enjoyment.)
There were lots of really stupid things about this movie. For instance, the motorcycle robots — it seems a little silly that they exist in the first place, seeing as how the machines have already built heavily-armed flying hovercraft called Hunter-Killers, but whatever, there they are. We’re introduced to one miraculously dodging a piece of flying debris using a series of ultra-fast calculations and incredible motorcycle stuntwork. Later this robot is defeated by a rope strung across the road, Roadrunner-style. Seriously. Then Christian Bale rides it. Like a motorcycle. THIS IS THE FUTURE.
The plot starts out interesting, but quickly digresses into the silly. For instance, the entire movie hinges on the incredibly tired and oft-mocked plot device in which the villain lays out his evil plan to the hero BEFORE IT HAPPENS, thus giving the hero the time and opportunity to escape and thwart said plan. (In this case his escape, from the center of SkyNet HQ, is accomplished by throwing a chair through a window – that’s it. Chair, window, freedom.) Had the villain not described the plan, it would have been accomplished with no setbacks. Game over, Connor’s dead, Machines win. But no – these machines not only developed sentience, they developed PRIDE.
There are plot points that are actually sillier than this, but I’ll wait until after you’ve seen the movie to laugh about those.
One more thing I have to share, and it involves the biggest unintentionally hilarious moment of the entire film. It happens very near the end, as a key character is dying of a massive stab wound to the chest, and the doctor reveals that his heart is giving out and he needs a transplant (because, you know, heart transplants heal stab wounds.) The cyborg (yeah, there’s a cyborg, as revealed by the trailers), who has a real, beating human heart, elects to sacrifice his half-human self to give it to the dying character. It’s supposed to be touching, but it’s just stupid, because you’re supposed to believe that, 9 years in the future, we’ll be able to do heart transplants ON THE BATTLEFIELD. Never mind that there’s no way of knowing if this cyborg is a match, or that the proper equipment isn’t ready, and the potential for massive infection is obvious – heart transplant.
But it gets better/worse – as the tearful characters look around, realizing they’re about to lose their cyborg friend (the single greatest weapon the humans have against the machines, mind you) to save a regular human, the little girl (THERE’S A LITTLE GIRL IN THE MOVIE) looks up with her big, tear-filled Bambi eyes, THEN PUTS HER LITTLE HAND INTO HIS ROBOT TERMINATOR HAND. I started laughing out loud in the theater. This was a scene that literally couldn’t be parodied – it was like watching irony die an agonizing death onscreen. Seriously, that scene was funnier than the entire hour and whatever minutes of “I Love You Man.”
So go see it with the right attitude, and you might be entertained enough to justify the money spent seeing it. For instance, for a matinee price of $6 or whatever, it’s probably worth it. But I was a little upset I spent $12.50 to see it, despite it providing a good deal of both intentional entertainment and unintentional humor. I mean it by unintentional, too; besides the aforementioned hand-holding scene and a few random nostalgic easter eggs for Terminator fans, the movie was virtually humorless. Christian Bale was playing Bruce Wayne playing John Connor, who was basically like Robin Williams in “Good Morning Vietnam” except far less funny or inspiring. You might say the performance was ROBOTIC!
But let’s be clear: This is a very bad movie. McG is a very bad director. And the plot/characterization was some of the worst I’ve seen in some time. So there you go.
1 Comment
June 3, 2009 at 12:20 am
Thanks for the review of a film I had been wanting to see. I think I will take your advice and see it at a matinee and go with the right attitude.